When Is It Time to Exit?
I firmly believe the only reason to leave a church is that you are following God’s will. Yes, that is easier said than done. Sometimes we have a hard time deciding if it is our will or His in tough situations and, in the end, we have to step outside ourselves and earnestly seek answers. I strongly recommend prayer and fasting, more time in Bible study, worship, and seeking wisdom from godly individuals in your life.
There are rare circumstances where your church may be harmful physically, emotionally, or spiritually. If there is clearly a harmful situation for yourself or your family, please begin to plan your exit. What if you feel ‘God has called me to be the solution’. I believe that if you are truly God’s plan to fix the issue in this circumstance, He will make it abundantly clear without any doubt. He will also equip you with tools to ‘be the solution’ that He desires. Other than these rare situations, you should be working toward an exit. This does not mean my feelings got hurt and I feel harmed by it, so I am going to ‘quit’. It also doesn’t mean leaving without going to your pastor if a member of the congregation is harmful, in that situation, without giving leadership and opportunity to correct it. However, if they cannot you should still go.
A common reason I hear for wanting to leave children’s ministry particularly, is feeling unheard or unappreciated. Please know that I have been there, most if not all of us probably have. Children’s ministry is often misunderstood leading us to feel this way, many times we are truly unheard and unappreciated and other times, we may misinterpret situations or not see the big picture. I have learned from my corporate experience this isn’t a solely ministry issue, but I do believe the enemy loves this playground in the lives of ministry leaders.
I have seen times where a head pastor or leader is dealing with burdens we don’t yet know about, be it financial, operational, or something else. Sometimes they are trying to protect their team from these things and do not always make it clear to the team why they are acting in this way. When I was leading a team in the corporate world, I can’t tell you how many times I may have seemed dismissive or uninterested when, in reality, I had a bigger picture to deal with that would have only burdened my team or that I was not allowed to share. I eventually learned the strategy of telling my team, “I promise, this is a behind the curtain issue, and I hear you and respect your ideas. I just ask for some trust on this one”. Coupled with actively working on that trust, it seemed to help in those instances, but not everyone has that strategy.
Many other times the feeling of being unheard and unappreciated may be entirely real. Whether it is due to personality differences or a lack of understanding of what you truly do. These are hard, but not impossible to overcome. Maybe your leadership doesn’t understand all it takes to bring the gospel message to kids, maybe they see the crazy antics and they don’t understand the importance of being crazy for Christ when you are trying to reach a younger generation. Maybe the small tasks are simply unnoticed and there is a question in their mind of what you bring to the table. Maybe your leader does appreciate you, but their expression of this is just lacking.
If we are to be humble, we also need to acknowledge maybe we are placing too much emphasis on what people think, when what really matter is God sees you. Maybe we are appreciated but we are expecting a certain display of appreciation and that is not how our leader is communicating to us our value. Lastly and somewhat bluntly, maybe you have become complacent in your role and need to find that passion again, so we are worthy of the appreciation. No judgement, as we are all flawed.
Whether these feelings are legitimate, just perceived, or whether our leaders are right or wrong, we should really tackle this issue the same way. First, we must go into this situation earnestly seeking God. Go to Him and ask for wisdom in handling the situation. Consider praying and fasting before addressing anything. Then go to your leader and have a real conversation. Allow them to understand where you are coming from, listen with an open mind to what they have to say. Worry less about defending yourself and more about finding the root of the issue, then attempt to reach a solution with them. Maybe it is working on trust, maybe it is coming to a place of understanding on how they can show you they value you, maybe you need to understand their expectations of your role that you didn’t realize before. Whatever it is, try to find a solution.
If a solution cannot be found, it is ok to seek God in whether to move on. However, without Him leading you to somewhere new, stay steadfast, and rely on Him to give you the peace and strength to push on. If He does lead you to go, then go, but leave well.
What about difference of opinion or vision? I want to start by saying none of us will always see eye to eye with someone else. You will inevitably disagree at some point. The question is ‘what is the importance of the issue you disagree on?’. You may disagree with an event you are being asked to lead, or with what a Sunday morning should look like. You may have a difference of opinion on what worship looks like or how you should tackle a tough topic. In these situations, I encourage you to speak your perspective, have facts, and detailed ideas, speak with passion but not out of emotion. Then respect the decision made by those placed in leadership over you. Pray for your leaders and show them respect in following their lead. When my kids were young the rule was ‘you can ask me why I require something of you or have given you this task, but only after showing me the respect of following my lead first’. This has not only worked for my kids but served me well with people in authority over me. God placed me here and I will show you the respect your role deserves, so that when I speak up or ask questions, you will see my heart in the matter and if not, God does.
Hopefully on the important issues you are mostly aligned with leadership, but if a topic of eternal importance comes up or if leadership changes and you are now faced with a difference of opinion on the non-negotiables, then it’s time to have a conversation. If that conversation doesn’t come to sense of peace, it is time to seek God’s guidance, and again, only move if He says move.
Finally, as in my most recent change, a new opportunity may present itself or a change in your life circumstances may lead you elsewhere. In these circumstances, please make sure it is God’s will. You must be extremely earnest in seeking His plan for you, for your current ministry, and for your next chapter. I highly recommend putting far more time into seeking Him than into finding an answer, because when you are seeking Him, you will have a clear understanding of His path. Ask Him directly for confirmation, and if He provides it move forward with whatever direction He calls. Seek godly council but keep it to a tight and trusted friend or small circle of people you look up to in your spiritual walk and in your ministry. Then, if you leave, leave well.
I know this was a long one and I appreciate you staying with me. Next time we will talk about how to ‘leave well’ and what it means to all involved.