Leaving Well
As promised, I wanted to follow up from last week’s post about why you should leave a church (If you did not read it yet you can check it out here), with my thoughts on how to leave a church well. I want to preface this with the fact that I haven't always left well, I have felt hurt and betrayed and left poorly. We, are after all, flawed. However, I have also learned over the years that when God calls you to leave a church, that is an opportunity where we can really point to Him for all to see.
I also want to re-iterate the fact that how we leave should not be based on how we feel or why we left, but it should be based on God's love for the people of the church you are leaving. When I was hurt at one church, I have to say, I based my choices on how I felt; which was not the ‘right way’. Again, I felt hurt and betrayed, and I showed it. When I left, I literally dropped everything and just said, "I am not coming back". I did this on the night of an event I was supposed to be leaving. It was also in the shadow of a time where my husband was also trying to ‘leave well’ but it was also not going well. It is not our proudest moment, but looking back, no matter what happened, I wish we would have left well.
“I also firmly believe that if you are seeking God, and the church you are leaving is rooted in God’s plan; He will not abandon either. ”
The first thing to consider when leaving is who to tell you are leaving and when. You may have some very close relationships that are very involved in your life, and you will want to talk to them. That is OK but keep this group small and keep it trustworthy. There is nothing worse for a church then when a leader leaves and the congregation hears it through whispers. I firmly advocate telling your leaders first. Whoever serves in leadership over you should be the first to know. I also recommend letting them dictate the timeline in which the church is told. They will be the ones left to love the people through the transition, so let them be the ones to decide when and how to tell your team, your kids, and the congregation.
Knowing your timeline is a big deal as well. Giving your leader a timeline for your leaving allows them to figure out who will fill your role, and when to announce it. If you need to leave soon, be honest about that, if you have time, give them a clear deadline for your leaving so they can plan.
This is also important if you will be overlapping for a while. I once left a church that met on Saturday night, due to renting a space from another church, for a church meeting Sunday morning. I loved both churches and I did not have a timeline for the change, which led to several months of leading two separate kid's ministries, and my husband leading worship for two very different churches. While I was happy to do this, it was exhausting, it was leading to burnout, and I really couldn't give either church what was truly needed from me. If you are in a situation where you may overlap for a bit, please make it short term and with a definitive end date in mind, this is better for you and for both churches.
The next thing you need to think about is transitioning your role. If you can stay for a short time before leaving, the best way to support the church you are leaving is to help with the transition. Allow whoever is choosing your replacement to seek your advice if needed, make sure you provide them with as much detail as possible of what you were doing, so they can find someone suited for the task. Also, if possible, take time to transition with whomever will be taking over. Show them how you do what you do, fill them in on those little things you have learned, such as how to handle certain behaviors or family dynamics, who on your team works well together, why you have to ‘knock twice, spin on one foot, and hold your breath’ before turning on that ancient media computer so it will cooperate. We all have the little things in our ministry that are not on paper, share those things.
Do not make the transition too long, however. Once your replacement gets their footing, I encourage you to step out gracefully. They need to find their way and it can be painful to see it done differently. We are human, and we hate to see change to something we worked so hard on. In the end, you have relinquished your role and different people do things differently. So, we need to give our best advice and then be their cheerleader as they find their footing, even if they don't do it the way we would.
Finally, have words to say. It is inevitable that your friends, fellow leaders, and the kids you serve will have questions. It helps to have words to say. Know how to express in a healthy way why you may be leaving. I know things never seem to come out right when I am emotional, and leaving is emotional. Know how to explain to the kids that you love them, you are praying for them, but God has exciting things in store for both you and for them. Know how you can build the parents confidence in what is next. Plan to tell your friends how much you love them and why you are leaving.
Remember sometimes less is more. If you are leaving due to hurt, it may be best to stick with a simple. Say, ‘God is calling me elsewhere’. As we discussed last week, even in hurt, we should only leave when God calls us out. We don't need to sow seeds of doubt in those still at the church. Speak life and know that God is in control.
Finally, pray for them not just when you leave, but continue to pray for them after you are gone. Be a positive support for those you are leaving. If you feel the choices being made are not good, pray for wisdom, discernment, and boldness to follow His will. If you leave, simply for God's next chapter, pray blessings that only God can imagine over the church.
When I left our church earlier this year, it was the hardest it has ever been. I loved the people I served under, I loved the people I lead, I grew so much in my ministry and in my spiritual and emotional maturity. I had real and deep relationships, and I believe in what the church is doing. I just knew that God wanted me somewhere else, and that it was exactly where I needed to go. It was hard to leave, but at the same time, easy to leave well, because I wanted to love them as I left. I don't regret the move for one minute, but I do pray for the church and for the people I left. My greatest hope is that I expressed my gratitude for them in how I left. I also firmly believe that if you are seeking God, and the church you are leaving is rooted in God’s plan; He will not abandon either.
Before I go, I want to leave you with one final thought. Leaving because of hurt, REQUIRES healing for you. That means taking the time to heal before finding where God will call you next. There are a few things to remember if you are taking some time. First and for most, you are taking time from church, not God. Not only must you continue to prioritize Bible study, prayer, and worship, but also strive for more than ever in this area. Listen to sermons, read books, worship, pray, and read scripture more than before. Do not let your time away from church make it easy to distance yourself from the one who can heal the hurt.
Second, if you take time to heal, set a time limit on it. For my husband and I, it was three months. We marked calendars and made sure that at three months, we were starting to visit new churches. It is too easy to create a new normal of forgoing fellowship and serving in a church. Sunday mornings are quiet and easy, you have less demands on your time, and you can stay in your pajamas as long as you like on Sunday, but you are not living the way you were called and made for. Setting a date and sticking with it, will ensure you get back on the right track.
Lastly, when you find a new church, let God lead you in when and how to get involved. Also, when and how to express what you have been through to your new leaders. I remember saying, we would not get involved in serving again for a while, but we arrived at a church we would later call home for several years and we knew God put us there for a reason and had to change course and do what we were called to. We still joke about it, but do not regret it. When we told our leaders our experiences it was at the right time; when we knew and trusted them. We were also very intentional not to drag the previous church through the mud. In this, our leaders were given the opportunity to support our continued healing, which we are eternally grateful for as they were exactly who we needed in our lives at that time. God is always working in that way.